So, there I said it:

No, it is absolutely and entirely impossible that I ever make up with my parental units, and by proxy thus my family, even though it is for certain none of them are narcissists or have other, Trump-like cluster 2 affective disorders, and no matter how much mail C. sends and acts as the "We want you back, but we won't accept or respect you" messenger for them:

I am the undeniable result of my mother's sex life before my step dad, and this mere fact has created such a drama, that I either 1) stay away or 2) have to stop to exist physically.

Not only was I nonverbally asked to go on a compromise with my bodily autonomy for my (half)-sister's sake, I also only really could solve the conflict of my existence by not existing. And, as a living being, like all living beings I am biologically primed to stay alive.

Sorry, suicidal ideations in order to solve a problem my parents did not (want to) solve, is not a life strategy. You all can act like I am terrible and "missing out", and it's my fault if I feel bad because I'm "terrible" all you want, I don't believe this crap, and will not ever.

And I am not even menstruating today ><

    - TBS, 20 OCT 2024, no AI

Signs of the times and the world, as it is?

I wrote yesterday, that I just realised that progressive Jupiter was on my MC-line in Tokyo this summer. This is wrong, Jupiter is on the MC in my relocated birth chart in Tokyo, which is even better. Natally, I have Neptune on a Sagittarius MC. No wonder I had a sort of Awakening, when I went there. People have started their carreer as nuns and monks on such constellations. Transit Pluto was close to my Natal ASC, which makes sense, since I threw out all my clothes on the second day in Tokyo, and bought new, more fitting and age-appropriate clothes. And Kyoto and the temple in Nara was the place I really had a change of heart, soul and inner landscape.

When I wrote the last post, the sense of wonder already started to wane here in CPH, and I fear that the changes might just not be as permanent as I felt up to about last week. Belligerently and childishly, I wrote, that the changes were permanent in order to keep them permanent. And I hoped there was just a dip, and I tried to command that sense of wonder to come back and be the rule of existence. Also, I did feel like that. It was an accurate description of, what I felt like, when I came home and to about a week and a half ago. And I so miss it. I just kinda wished that at some point you had done your time in the pits, and you would not have to return.

And I do wonder, do I expect too much happines?

But on the other hand, why should it be shameful to wake up excited by what wonders you will experience that day, seeing this part of town, that shop, that you don't buy from, having that conversation with this person? Feeling safe, even though there are people not having my best interest at their heart? People, who don't accept my boundaries? I wasn't even wanting more, just for the dread and greyness to disappear, the impending doom to switch to impending ecxitement, especially after almost a decade of feeling really shitty. And so, I had the rush to end all rushes, overshadowing all dread, when I saw the magic in everyday life, that can be there, helped by O.'s eyes. I will not be ashamed of that. As a Capricorn Moon with only negative aspects to it I do fucking know, that there is a reality that needs to be taken care of, and that rainbows are not forever, I just wonder, if it has got to be dreary like black tar soup all the fucking time. There has got to be a middle way, that is sustainable, until one walks the rainbow bridge themselves.

Also, this way of living just feels more logical, because you're not as pissed off as everyone else "living in the real world". The queue in Netto is not as annoying, the traffic not as bad, and life in the postcapitalist and very pre-collapse world is just more livable that way, so unless I got the best of answers to as to why The Real World just has got to be the desert everyone desires, I'd like to be thankful for, that the spirits showed themselves to me for much longer than just a moment, and everything was awesome for a couple of months as a result of this. A cobblestone pavement is just better, when it is not just that part of the way, where you have to walk on foot and pull your bike, when you see the spirits the way I saw them.

(Yes, I will post about Japan soon :P Just need to process it still)

    - TBS, 19 OCT 2024, no AI

:)

Oh, Japan, I still miss you much.



But at least now I have O.
O. is an immigrant to Denmark as I am, and she showed me Copenhagen, as she sees it.
We both had shitty stuff happening to us, when we were children, and we both had to evacuate the place we came from, and we both sort fought our way through to becoming a part of the society here, working crummy jobs and going to school.

We walked up and down Christiania, Nordhavn, and a lot of other places, and I know the city better for it. The beauty of the harbour spaces. The somewhat more hidden places at Christiania. Stuff to do around town, when one is alone and the walls are creeping in. O. is an extrovert, and I am an introvert, so I see the city differently now. When I came back from Japan, Copenhagen did look different. It looked like I could see the magic in the city, and I feared that would disappear, and it would become Crummy Copenhagen again, but O. has shown me so much, I think Copenhagen has changed for the better permanently. I see the spirits now here the way I saw them in Japan.

O., I am so glad, you're showing me your Copenhagen and your world ♥ Everything is different now, and everything is better ♥♥♥

    - TBS, 15 OCT 2024, no AI

Fortid

It's the time to renew my passport, and that means finding stuff like my birth certificate, and that means rummaging through the old papers, and that means having to go through the physical manifestations of bad memories again. And that nagging feeling, how these memories make me different from most people I encounter on a daily basis, is there again.

I have always been surprised by, how people cannot even imagine not to have had a reasonably good childhood, and what that means for a person. But I have come to understand that having a shitty past is so fundamentally a different experience from having a good one, that it is like imagining living on Mars for those people, if they had to try to understand it. They just cannot be expected to grasp the concept and implications of it.

I knew a couple of people, whom I looked up to, because they seemed to have their shit together in ways I could only dream of, and the way I did see, feel, act or think felt way off and weirdly dysfunctional compared to the orderliness of their thoughts and ways to live.

That was, until something happened to them that made it clear they had not even thought about it. Like, they would have a clear idea of the unemployed, what unemployment does to a person, and what they themselves would do, if they should happen upon the dole.

And then, shit happens out of the left field, and they turn into headless chickens, leopards are eating their face, and "oh, I had no idea you cannot leave the country, when on Kontanthjælp, unless the Jobcenter allows it in writing" and other such stupid shit, that I had thought they knew, since they were so well-versed at life. Like, fuck, but there was this medical doctor, who had specialised in psychiatric drugs, who got all wide-eyed on Reddit on a thread where unemployed were talking about what it did to them in terms of having taken away all agency and financial means. I don't know, but I thought, well, he's not a psychiatrist, but him not even having a clue at all about the psychological toll about a fairly common thing really blew me away. Doesn't he have a relative, who was unemployed?

As I got older, I realise, how little those, who know everything, really do know. And how little they have thought about that they don't know everything. This is probably really d'uh, but it still blows me away regularly.

It is probably the difference between having learned to function in a first world upper middle class environment with comparatively few shitty things happening to them, and then me, and people like me, who did also grow up in a first world country, but on the lower end of it. We were poor people, compared to most other in the areas we lived in, and I had some serious shit happen to me. And it never ceases to amaze me, how massive the difference between some Låsby Svendsen housing area and those detached villa areas in the suburbs is, to make a visually material example. It's basically the distance between the Sun and Pluto, and the difference is quantifiable in scientific terms in a meaningful way.

The differences are in the details, the way you don't throw away the whole shoe, but keep the shoestring, because it is still good. The way you are not surprised how hard shit can hit the fan, and you know there is not always a way out, or anything people could have done to prevent it, so you don't get all toxic-positive, if you meet someone, who really was beaten to the ground. And your first thought is not, that he is lying, either. The way, you're always prepared for the hammer to fall, and the way I still don't understand, how people didn't already have three days worth of food, water and other supplies stocked, before the The Danish Emergency Management Agency sent out their advisory letter. The way the sentence "But can't you just..." is not a sentence existing without qualifiers, that basically negate the sentence's meaning. And also, I think I understand, why there is actual research in the so-called childhood stressors, and it is quantified that if you have these stressors and this many, you have an X amount of times higher probability of aquiring Y condition as an adult. You just become different, like from a different country.

But yeah, rifling through the old school grade books and diplomas, tax cards from my home country and other shit also is a proof of that I made it through. I made it to another country, I made it through university and into a job. I am debt free. And I am spectacularly proud of all that. And because I had the past that I had, and the things happening to me that I had, and therefore am the person I am, I also know that all that can be gone in a splitsecond any time. Life is always going to happen.

But I have become better at taking shit to the trash.

    - TBS, 15 SEP 2024, no AI

Oh, Japan ...

... it is now three weeks since I left you. And I miss you. The nuttiness of Shinjuku, the awesome of Harajuku, the dreaminess of the streets of Kyoto, the sense of haste in the underground transits, the neon nightmare of Kabukicho, the muggy heat, the cicadas, the vending machines, the overpriced yakitori in Nishiki Market, the beauty of it all. Will we see eachother again?

Also, Nice Mobal sales clerk at Haneda, I hope you will find a new opportunity to use your German. And Danish travel group, may your studies in the martial arts be successful :)

    - TBS, 26 AUG 2024, no AI

Jeg kommer aldrig til at opgive ...

... den der roterende GIF-tingest på forsiden, mestendels, fordi Adobe ImageReady ikke er en ting mere :C...

    - TBS, 24 FEB 2024, no AI

Det er så her, det sker...

... når det så sker...

Langt fra Tinder, TikTok, Eks-Twitter, og hvad de dér dersens SoMekanaler hedder allesammen.

Nej, du er ikke faldet i et tidshul, der har transmogriffet dig tilbage til 2004, det er sådan, den her blog skal se ud. Og det er også sådan, at formatet her ikke vil ændre sig i en overskuelig fremtid. Jeg er meget vild med layoutet, og har været det, siden jeg fik min Blog*Spot-konto, som senere blev min Bloggerkonto, som senere blev opkøbt af Google.

Måske finder jeg en dag lysten til at programmere et kommentarfelt. Problemet er ikke så meget at lave det, men at spamsikre det, og så ved jeg også, der stort set ikke er nogen, der kigger forbi her anyway, så der er et cost-benefit, der lige skal gå op. Hvad angår JLU:CPH vil jeg formentlig håndtere det på samme måde som hedengangne Flight 1337, der havde store, gule plamager over alt, der ikke kunne tåle dagens lys under His Watchful Eye.

Men ellers er ideen, at dette subsite er min egen personlige blog. Her er jeg fri for vilkårlig AI-censur, der ikke forstår, at en "naked motorcycle" er fagudtrykket for en motorcykel uden den del af beklædningen, der ellers typisk dækker store dele af motoren, og derfor banner brugere. Fri for, at ens appeller ryger ind i den sorte round file hos Meta, og fri for at virke suspekt for hr. & fru. Frikadellesteg i alle nationer, der tror, at så har man sikkert gjort noget, for hvorfor skulle et SoMe dog ellers banne én?

Altså, ud over det med den "nøgne" motorcykel, billeder, der automatisk bliver flagged, som AI'en ikke genkender som en kat, men som en ulovlig kropsdel, etc, pp., du har ikke sat dig ind i, om det her medie er konservativt styret, eller liberalt medie, set med nordamerikanske briller, og hvordan Elon Musk har det personligt med lige præcis det her emne. Du bruger en VPN og har glemt at slukke, da du browsede over til din konto, du logger ind med en anden hardwareadresse, fordi din bærbar er låst inde på dit arbejde, og du gider ikke derind kl. lort om aftenen, men du vil lige skrive til tante Oda, at I alligevel kommer på weekend, fordi det er gået op med hundepasningen, du gør ingenting og bliver hacket, du har din konto for at læse og kommentere på dine venner, men du har ikke selv lige fået smidt det her ene bøvede feriebillede op, du har for 400 år siden haft en konto på servicen, da du var tolv år gammel, nu er du spærret ude for livstid, medmindre du sørger for, ikke at bruge samme navn, mail, tlfnr, hardwareadresse, og undlader at friende dem, du egentlig kom for. Du kan lige høre tante Yrsa skrive dig ud af testamentet, fordi du ikke friender hende heller...

I mit tilfælde drejede det sig om Instagram, hvor jeg fra en ny hardwareadresse (da jeg havde skiftet min gamle stationære ud med noget mere tidssvarende), ville ændre webadressen til at pege på min daværende Twitter. Boom, banned, og alle appellmuligheder fører ud i intetheden. Jeg havde ingen billeder på kontoen, undtagen et brugerbillede, og jeg havde ingen suspekte venner, tværtimod havde jeg en ret velbesøgt og kommenteret veninde, der laver illustrationer af den mest rene og uskyldige slags. Men jeg triggede en eller anden AI algoritme, formentlig, fordi jeg selv ikke havde billeder på min konto, og jeg loggede ind fra noget nyt hardware. Hvad jeg så kunne læse mig frem til på Nettet, efter dette skete, ligner et dårligt mashup mellem The Wild West og en roman skrevet af Kafka, den eneste forskel? Det var ret troværdigt, og der var tusindvis af folk, det var sket for.

Der var en [whistleblower], der på et tidspunkt [AMA'ede på Reddit], om, hvor meget det sejler hos Meta mht. ticket resolutions fra alm. brugere. Bare for at nævne ét eksempel på, hvad jeg bygger min rant her på. Og så har jeg slet ikke nævnt Cambridge Analytica endnu. Det er nærmest kun Jobcenteret, der kan slå den.

På mit eget site er jeg fri for at skulle forholde sig til andet end: Vil jeg poste det her til offentligt fremskue? Har jeg forklaret mig godt nok, at det ikke nemt misforstås af et levende menneske med nogenlunde omløb på øverste etage? Er det indenfor lovens rammer? Vil jeg være det bekendt?

Der er levende mennesker i serviceafdelingen hos min udbyder, så jeg vil være meget overrasket, hvis jeg får brug for at låse min bruger op for at have lagt et kattebillede op. Eller slet ingen billeder. Og da jeg intet behov for at bruge denne blog til bevidst misinformation, scams, holdløse tilsvininger af kendte eller noget som helst andet af den art, forestiller jeg mig, at jeg ikke får problemer her. Det kan være, der ryger et enkelt billede med Xi JinPing, der krammer en bestemt tegneseriebjørn ind på sitet, men det ville så være det, og det tager vi som voksne mennesker. Med tryk på mennesker.

Og hvis det alligevel ikke virker teknisk, er det mig, der er udvikleren her på sitet :)

    - TBS, 29 JULY 2023, no AI